I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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