wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
