Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
