i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
