so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
