omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
