Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
