if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
