i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
