Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
