you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize