seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
is wine microwaveable?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
