What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
