glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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