So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So squirting runs in the family.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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