if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
