so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
