nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just high enough for therapy.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
