i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
