I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
