Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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