She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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