I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we're making bets on your personal life
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
