I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
