im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
