If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
