somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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