drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
