Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
