Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
