Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
