did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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