I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
