i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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