I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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