Already got asked if we're dating
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
