i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Did I show you my penis last night?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
