Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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