there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
