there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
