never play flip cup with pint glasses
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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