seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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