Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Randomize