if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
