Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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