My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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