I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
