I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
