Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Randomize
