There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
