I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize