we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
