I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
