Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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