R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
