Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Randomize
