me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
