Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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