In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
