My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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