he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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