I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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