I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
