You made me cry and you don't even care
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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