the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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